Too Much Time to Think

This month just sucks. I thought it would get better a little every year, and each year I do actually get a little further into the month before things start to bother me. This week was going fine, and it would seem that one thing after another is trying to make it a not okay week.

I found a wonderful lady who was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and has been undergoing chemo for it, has had the cancer spread to her arm.... I found out someone I knew through people (not directly), passed away after only finding out about his cancer in January - leaving kids my brother's age and older. I thought I was having a crazy week, and then hear the story of friend who is having health problems as well as relationship problems. I start feeling really crappy and thinking how unfair life is and then there is his voice as strong and bright as I've heard it in quite some time "Nope Kiddo, life isn't fair, it can be pretty sucky sometimes."

My Dad... My Dad who should be here celebrating in the adventures my family is experiencing this summer. My Dad who should be here playing with his grand-daughter, watching her grow and change, the way we are all getting to do.

I've been having some pretty crazy dreams about my Dad. Last night in my dream Emma was older, 5-6 maybe, and we were at my Grandma Perry's getting ready to drive home to get changed and then drive back to Barre to have a birthday celebration for my grandma (who's birthday coincidentally is tomorrow) at my Aunt Peggy's. We hit a terrible snow storm, like the roads weren't driveable at all. The whole time I could see my Dad with us, following us, but no one spoke to him. Brian drove, kinda like he did the Thanksgiving before my Dad passed away, in the terrible snow because my Mom didn't want to deal with choosing my brother or I to drive in the snow. He just watched us and followed us. Crazy I know, doesn't make much since, I know. The dream reminded me yet again, that even though my Dad isn't here in person with us, he's here in spirit with us. Celebrating with us, crying with us, watching us all grow and change through our lives.

I HATE CANCER. There aren't too many things that I say I hate, and really, really, really mean it (My grandma told me at a young age that HATE is a strong word, and since then I've really tried to not use it, unless I really mean it), but I can honestly say I HATE CANCER! It pisses (pardon the language) me off. It breaks my heart every time I hear about another child fighting cancer, or an adult who's life has been taken from them far too early. There aren't enough words to describe the anger that Cancer causes inside of me, the frustrations.

I HATE cancer for what it does to people, not just the people with cancer, but the people affected by cancer. I HATE it for the daughters that won't be able to have their Father's walk them down the isle on their wedding days, the sons and daughters that won't be able to have their Mothers their to celebrate in their accomplishments, the grand-kids who won't get to know their grandparents, the wives who won't have the strength of their soul mates by their sides as they go through life, the husbands who pick up the pieces and try to be the mother and the father all in one, the friends who stood by their sides as they fought the battle of all battles, as their bodies were attacked. I HATE CANCER.

Now that I feel a little lighter... I'll go on with my day.